


Broken Rule

by anonymouschupacabra (accordingtomyresearch)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Arguing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 03:12:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7601194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/accordingtomyresearch/pseuds/anonymouschupacabra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had a rule. A rule that no matter how mad or upset or angry they were feeling they'd never go to bed angry. It was rule they had to create after too many cold shouldered nights and bitter mornings. It forced them to fight it out and come to a tentative agreement before going to sleep. So that whoever felt isolated or hurt or betrayed by the argument could still find solace in the other when they went to bed. It was so that there was never a night where they slept on opposite sides of the bed with a wide valley between them. They made this rule so they would still be in love when they woke up, no matter how angry they got.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i love angst, it's just so *clenches fist* angsty

They had a rule. A rule that no matter how mad or upset or angry they were feeling they'd never go to bed angry. It was rule they had to create after too many cold shouldered nights and bitter mornings. It forced them to fight it out and come to a tentative agreement before going to sleep. So that whoever felt isolated or hurt or betrayed by the argument could still find solace in the other when they went to bed. It was so that there was never a night where they slept on opposite sides of the bed with a wide valley between them. They made this rule so they would still be in love when they woke up, no matter how angry they got. 

And it worked for them. Oikawa and Kageyama would argue and scream and bicker all day and night, but when one of them was obviously tired, the other would stop and say:

“Babe, we should go to sleep.”

Then they'd look at each other, letting go of whatever anger they had and quietly nod their head and follow into the bedroom. They'd quietly get ready to sleep and then climb onto the bed instinctively falling into the sleeping positions they had become accustomed to; Oikawa laying on his back, his arm draped around Kageyama's shoulders, who rested his head on Oikawa's chest, wrapping his arm around his middle. And just like that they'd sleep, comfortable and and warm, and they'd wake up comforted and in love. 

And it worked for them. For a long while. Wake up in a warm embrace, get ready for the day, a small argument before work, go to work, come home, argue about dinner, argue during dinner, argue after dinner, stop the argument and go to bed together to wake holding each other and still in love. It wasn't the best routine but it was theirs. 

But eventually they got into the one argument that they couldn't let go of their anger. It was an argument that had been festering for a while, one they had been waiting to see when it was to surface. 

It was just as bad as they thought it was going to be. A horrible, aggressive argument with dirty, low tactics and name calling and dredging up old disagreements. Hours of yelling and bitter tears and angry, cruel comments designed to hurt each other. 

“You know,” Kageyama said through gritted teeth. “This is so typical of you.”

“ _ Excuse me _ ?” Oikawa snarled. “This is so typical— FUCK YOU.”

“Wow,” Kageyama said sarcastically. “Mature. Real fucking mature.”

“I really fucking hate you sometimes,” Oikawa sneered with such malice Kageyama was actually surprised. But he wouldn't let Oikawa see how much that affected him. 

“Well, same here ,” Kageyama bit out. “I'm so sick of you and your moral high ground, pretending that you're so much smarter and better than me.”

“See here's the thing,  _ I am smarter and better than you _ ,” Oikawa said with a bitter smile. 

“If you're so much better and smarter than me then why are you with me!?” Kageyama yelled. 

“I don't know, I ask myself that everyday!” Oikawa screamed back. 

“THEN MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T BE TOGETHER!” Kageyama shouted taking a step forward towards him. 

“MAYBE WE SHOULDN’T,” Oikawa yelled in his face. 

The silence was deafening in their ears. The sounds of their heavy breathing was only noise filling their apartment. Kageyama could only see red as he stood there in their living room. Oikawa looked at him and Kageyama could feel the anger radiating off him. 

“Maybe we shouldn't,” Oikawa said again more firmly. 

“Yeah maybe…” Kageyama swallowed, his throat tight and dry. 

“I think...I think you're right,” Oikawa said gravely. 

He could see how serious Oikawa looked, and he was frightened. Kageyama was scared that their argument got out of control. He was scared that they were traversing territory that would be too difficult to come back from. He was scared they really were over. 

“We should talk about this in the morning,” he said weakly. “We should go to sleep.”

“No,” Oikawa said angrily. “I'm not going to sleep, I'm not going to bed, I'm not going to pretend I'm not angry.”

“Ok…” Kageyama said thickly. He could feel his chest start to constrict and his breath shorten. 

“I hate pretending not to be angry,” Oikawa bit out. “I hate that I always have to go to bed so fucking pissed off and I can't even say anything about it.”

“But we made the rule…” Kageyama whispered. 

“ _ You _ made the rule,” Oikawa said. 

“So we wouldn't go to bed angry,” Kageyama said weakly. 

“Well guess what, I  _ always  _ go to bed angry,” Oikawa snarked. “I don't just “let go” of my anger because you want to  _ cuddle _ ,” saying the last word like it was something awful.

“I guess,” Kageyama began feeling his breath start to hitch. “I didn't— I didn't know I was making you so unhappy.” He could feel himself start to panic. It had been a long time since his last panic attack but could feel the chilled heat crawling up his spine and inside his throat. “I'm not...I didn't...I only wanted—”

“It's always what you want isn't it?” Oikawa spit out, not seeing Kageyama's oncoming panic attack. “You always need to get your way.”

“No I just thought—”

“I'm so tired of doing whatever you want, pretending I'm not ridiculously pissed off with you just so you can get some rest.”

“It's not just for—”

“I'm sick and tired of laying in bed, fuming, as you cling to me, sound asleep.”

“I didn't know you—”

“I'm so over not getting any rest because I can't even just be angry like I want to be.”

“I just wanted—”

“You're so fucking selfish sometimes,” Oikawa shook his head, looking away. “I always have to do things your way but you never even thought about how I felt.”

“I–I–I never— I just thought— maybe I didn't…” Kageyama stumbled feeling the panic and fear rise to new levels inside him. He lost control of breathing and everything became blurry around him. Taking in a series of quick, shallow breaths Kageyama took a step backwards. Bringing his hand to his chest, he tried to regulate his breathing but his whole body was trembling too much. He stumbled slightly, the combination of the shortness of breath and lightheadedness making him almost fall backwards. 

“Kageyama?” Oikawa said in what Kageyama interpreted as a concerned tone. “Kageyama what's going on?” 

“I'm– I'm too con–controlling,” Kageyama heaved. “I'm do–doing it again.”

“Kageyama just please, calm down,” Oikawa took a step forward and placed his hand on his arm. Kageyama couldn't stop trembling. 

“You hate me. You hate me. I've ruined it. You hate me,” Kageyama whispered hoarsely. “I just wanted us to work. I thought we could make it work.”

“We...we were trying— are trying,” Oikawa said starting to get frantic himself. 

“No, no we're not,” Kageyama shook his head. “I ruined it. We're over.”

“We don't—”

“I didn't know you hated waking up to me that much,” Kageyama panted, not even fighting the tears that were streaming down his face. “I didn't know I was making you so miserable. I didn't know you were pretending.” 

“Kageyama, please. Hold on for a second—”

“I didn't see it,” Kageyama whispered in total shock. “You actually hated me and I didn't see it. How could I have never seen it? What if there's something wrong with me? I'm so scared I'll never see it.”

“Please, you're scaring me—”

“I'm so sorry,” Kageyama exhaled, his breathing slower and more steady although his body still trembled slightly. “I just wanted us to work. But I'm selfish, I'm so, so selfish. I never realized I was making you feel so awful. I never knew you didn't want me anymore.”

“Kageyama I—”

“I wasn't thinking about what you needed,” Kageyama continued. “I guess I wanted us to be together so bad I never saw that you didn't.”

“But I do,” Oikawa breathed. 

“You–you said that you hated me, that you think should break up,” Kageyama sniffled. “That I was making you miserable and I'm selfish. And you're right.”

“No I—”

“I'm scared Oikawa,” Kageyama trembled. He looked down at his own hands in front of him and they shook. “I'm so scared because I know you don't want me, and yet the only thing I want is to be comforted by you. You're my place of solace but you...you don't want to be.”

“Kageyama, no please,” Oikawa said, his voice thin and fractured. “I didn't mean— I only was angry— I'm...I'm…”

“It's fine,” Kageyama exhaled, his trembling starting to cease. “I'll go. I didn't know that you didn't want me, but I guess...I guess it makes sense. Who would?”

“No please,” Oikawa said quickly, reaching forward and taking his hand before he turned away. “Don't leave please. I do want you. I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to lie to make me feel better,” Kageyama sighed. 

“I'm not lying,” Oikawa shook his head. “Please...I was just angry, I was just saying things. I didn't mean it, please don't go.”

“Oikawa I can't stay knowing you don't want me,” Kageyama whispered. 

“I do want you, I was just angry,” Oikawa pleaded. “Tobio please, I love you, please don't go. We can—we can fix this. We'll be ok.”

“Oikawa,” Kageyama sighed. “I think...I think I need you more than you need me. And I'm scared that's how it's always been.”

“No please, I need you just as much,” Oikawa wept. “Please, please understand I love you.”

“I want to believe you,” Kageyama breathed. 

“Let's just go to sleep ok?” Oikawa offered desperately. “Let's just go to bed, and in the morning we'll feel better. I promise.”

“I rather not pretend I'm not upset,” Kageyama said quietly. 

“Tobio please,” Oikawa pleaded. “Just...just one more night ok?”

He glanced up at Oikawa. His eyes were red rimmed and watery, staring at Kageyama with desperation. Kageyama knew that he felt isolated and hurt and that he probably needed this just as much as he did. So he nodded at Oikawa, and taking his hand in his, walked them into their bedroom. 

Kageyama laid them down on their bed, Oikawa on his back wrapping his arms around Kageyama who rested his head on his chest. They curled towards each other, both desperately clinging to the other for their own reasons. There was no quiet talk or any good night kisses. Just the both of them, trying their hardest not to cry in front of the other, hoping they could sort this out in the morning. But as Kageyama finally drifted off to sleep in the small hours of the morning, he wondered if they'd still wake up in love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i love pain.

When Oikawa opened his eyes the next morning, it took him a full minute before he realized he was cold. As his eyes fluttered open, he looked down to his left to where he'd normally see a mass of silky dark hair resting on his chest, and saw nothing. There was absolutely nothing— or more specifically, no one, next to him. 

He couldn't remember the last time he'd woken up alone. It felt wrong, like he was missing a part of himself. His arm felt cold and limp and the bed next to him was chilled and stiff and everything in the bedroom was screaming out that things were wrong, so very wrong. 

As Oikawa sat up slowly, he looked around the bedroom. Rubbing the last remnants of sleep from his eyes, he could finally start to see what was wrong with the room around him. It was missing things. 

The wall length closet to the right of the bed had one of the doors slightly propped open and he could see a line of empty hangers inside. At the opposite wall from the bed, the two sets of drawers sat side by side, but the left dresser had two drawers still open and Oikawa could see they were empty. 

_ He left. He really left. _

It hadn't actually occurred to Oikawa that Kageyama would really leave him. The thought of waking up without Kageyama, despite their enormous fight, was so far out of his mind that the sight of the missing clothes and suitcase sent a nervous chill down Oikawa's spine. 

Jumping out of bed, Oikawa ran into the living room hoping to catch Kageyama before he left. But to no avail. When he slid into the living room, everything was still and quiet with no signs of Kageyama. Not really processing what was happening, Oikawa called out Kageyama's name several times. He quickly ran from the living room to the kitchen to the bathroom to the dining room, hoping he'd see Kageyama. But he saw nothing but the empty spot where his toothbrush was, the clear part of the counter where Kageyama's keys once sat, and a small handwritten note on the dining room table. 

With a shaky hand, Oikawa picked up the note. A handwritten note didn't seem like Kageyama's style, but neither did leaving before Oikawa woke up. 

**I'm sorry but I couldn't wake up to find out you no longer loved me.**

**I'm saving you the trouble of you telling me to move out. I think it'll be better this way.**

**I'm sorry I made you unhappy.**

**I love you**

Oikawa didn't realize he was crying until he saw a tear hit the paper. He read the short note again and again and again until tears in his eyes made it impossible to see. His hands started shaking so badly he dropped the note onto the table. Slumping down into a chair Oikawa couldn't stop the heavy sobs that ripped out of his chest. 

He felt like he was being torn apart. He wanted to scream and cry until his voice was hoarse and his lungs tired. He wanted to destroy the table and the chairs and the couch and the appliances and anything they had bought together. He wanted to curl into a ball and not feel anything anymore. But mostly, what Oikawa really wanted was to be comforted by Kageyama. 

And it made it so much worse that that's what he wanted most. All Oikawa really wanted was to go back to bed, lay down with Kageyama, and tell him he loved him until they fell asleep. He wanted to hold him in his arms until he couldn’t tell where his body ended and Kageyama's body began. He wanted to kiss him whisper all the things he loved about him until both their heads were only filled with their love. But he couldn't. Because he pushed Kageyama away. 

The day went by in a weird abnormal haze. Oikawa tried to normal things but they all seemed unable to hold his attention. He'd go to wash dishes and then he'd find that he'd been standing at the sink until the water ran cold. He would try to vacuum and find that he'd only been standing in one spot. He'd try to cook himself good and find that he stood watching the pot until the water boiled. His mind kept drifting to the note and how Kageyama was gone and how it was his fault. 

He wasn't sure what time it was when he decided he was too tired and needed sleep. He shuffled over to the doorway of their— his bedroom and looked inside. The closet door and drawers a were still slightly open from the morning. The bed that Kageyama usually made, was all rumpled and tossed aside. The night table on Kageyama's side was empty of things on top of it. Almost immediately, Oikawa turned around and walked out, knowing he couldn't sleep there.

* * *

 

Waking up on the couch was worse than waking up alone. When he woke up alone in his bed, he had at least a second where he thought Kageyama might be beside him. But on the couch he knew instantly he was alone. 

Oikawa forced himself to get up.  He forced himself to shower and get dressed. He forced himself to go to work. He forced himself to get through the day like normal. 

_ We only broke up. People break up all the time. It's not a big deal. It can't be.  _

He convinced himself that this wasn't a big deal, that he'd wanted it. Oikawa spent hours telling himself that he and Kageyama weren't good together and they were better off apart. All his thoughts were devoted to telling himself that he was going to be happier, better off even.

* * *

 

It was adjusting back to single life that was harder than anything. He had been with Kageyama for so long he almost forgot what it was like to be alone. In fact he had never really spent any of his adulthood single and he wasn't sure he even knew how. 

Three months in and Oikawa still found himself making dinner for two, or buying Kageyama's favorite shampoo, or worse yet, reaching to his left when he awoke, only find the space still empty. 

Iwaizumi urged him to get out of the apartment, to stop sulking and brooding. Several times he tried to force Oikawa out only to result in Oikawa refusing to speak with him for short periods of time. But it didn't stop Iwaizumi from trying. He'd try anything from promising food to buying him things. Anything to get him to stop obsessing over the now almost pathetically crinkled and destroyed note. 

It became a sort of safety blanket for Oikawa. A last physical connection to Kageyama, or at least that's how he had explained it one night when Iwaizumi asked why he still was carrying around that note. Oikawa told him it was because Kageyama had written it, he'd held the paper and the pen and touched it with his own hands. It was the last thing Kageyama ever gave him, and he would treasure it.

* * *

 

At six months Oikawa had officially withdrawn from the world around him. Only leaving the apartment for strictly the necessities, he spent most of his time in his apartment going over every argument, every disagreement, every spat they had ever had. He knew that maybe if he thought about it hard enough he'd figure out what went wrong. 

And being in a relationship for the entire length of adulthood meant a lot of arguments to go over. Starting at the beginning from when they would fight about college and school work, through when they first moved in together when they would fight about furniture and living arrangements, to just before when they broke up when they would fight about literally anything. 

The slightest disagreement would set them off into a full out yell match. Oikawa couldn't even remember what their last fight was about, he only knew it was their breaking point. And it killed him inside to know that he was probably the one who caused it.

* * *

 

A year in and Oikawa was different. Not good different, but bad different. 

His extroverted, effervescent personality dried up leaving a disinterested cold man in its wake. He know longer bothered to try to hide his snark and caustic comments, but rather embraced them as part of his new persona. Oikawa let the world know he cared for no one because no one cared for him. 

It was at an unsuspecting coffee shop that he completely lost it. Oikawa stood waiting for his coffee, expecting the barista to purposely make it incorrectly after the antagonistic encounter while ordering, when he heard a voice he hadn't expected to ever hear again. He turned his head, looking over at the counter and saw Kageyama standing with his arm around the waist of a petite blonde girl who was talking to Kageyama about what they wanted to order. 

Immediately Oikawa wanted to run out and leave, but he knew the only exit was the front door which he would have to pass Kageyama to leave from. He was trapped. 

Oikawa willed his coffee to be made faster, but each time he spoke it was like no words could come out. He felt like he was under water and he was drowning fast. His head started becoming lightheaded as he desperately tried to think of a way to leave. 

“Oikawa?” He turned to the side and saw Kageyama standing there next to him. 

“Yeah,” Oikawa croaked. He looked exactly the same, as if no time had passed. He still had the quintessential innocent air about him that made it really feel real, that Kageyama was truly standing in front of him.  Oikawa thought he'd never see him again. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“Ge–getting coffee,” Oikawa stammered out. 

“No, what are you doing here?” Kageyama asked again. 

“I– I don't…” Oikawa frantically tried to think but it was like all his thoughts were muddled and thick. He blurted out the first thing he thought of. “I miss you.”

“I don't care,” Kageyama bit out instantly. 

“You didn't even say goodbye,” Oikawa breathed, feeling like he was in the edge of tears. 

“I didn't want to go back and see you,” Kageyama frowned. “I hated you.”

“But the note…” Oikawa said feeling the note crinkle in his hand. 

“I lied,” Kageyama said coldly. “I left because I hated you, and I couldn't love you. I never did. Leaving was the best thing I've ever done.”

“No...no that's not true,” Oikawa whispered taking a step back. 

“I left you and I found actual love,” Kageyama said the petite blonde girl appearing at his side. “I'm going to marry her because I love her.”

“No no you loved me, I loved you— I still love you,” Oikawa wept. “Please come back.”

“I never loved you,” Kageyama scowled. 

“No…” Oikawa breathed 

“I never was happy with you.”

“No,” Oikawa cried. 

“I hate you,” Kageyama said coldly. 

“No!” Oikawa yelled. “No no no no!”

* * *

 

He jackknifed up in bed with a scream on his lips. Oikawa could barely see the room around him in the brightness of the early morning. Frantically, he reached his hand out to the left of the bed searching for Kageyama and felt that the bed next to him was empty and cold. 

“No no, god no,” Oikawa wept as his eyes came into focus and he saw the unoccupied space next to him on the bed. “No no, it was a dream. I thought it was a dream.” 

“Toru?” Oikawa whipped his head around, looking at the doorway into the bedroom where he saw a fully dressed Kageyama standing there with a confused face. 

“Are–are you leaving?” Oikawa asked through hitched breaths. 

“Well yeah, I hav–” 

“No, no please Kageyama don’t go,” Oikawa begged, scrambling to get out of bed. Almost tripping on the bed sheets, Oikawa scrambled out of bed, running over to Kageyama. He grabbed at his shirt pulling him close. “Ju–just don’t leave me yet. Talk to me first. Please I’m begging you. Don’t–don’t leave me.” 

“Ok ok I promise,” Kageyama said frightened. “I’m not going to leave just yet. But tell me what’s wrong?”

“Tobio, I had this horrible dream,” Oikawa wept, resting his forehead against Kageyama’s chest. “I woke up and you left with all your clothes in the middle of the night and you wrote me this note and you just left. You just left me with no real goodbye. And I lost it, Tobio. I really did. And I didn’t see you for a year and when I did, you were marrying this pretty girl and you told me you never loved me and I–” he cut himself off with a wrenching sob. He cried messily into Kageyama’s shirt, wrapping his arms around his chest. “Please don’t...don’t leave me just yet. I need– I need to say a proper goodbye. I love you, just wait please.” 

“Toru I’m–”

“Wait just give me a few more seconds,” Oikawa begged, holding Kageyama tighter. 

“Toru, just listen to me,” Kageyama said grabbing Oikawa’s shoulders and pushing him back so he could look at his face. “I’m not leaving you,” he said like he was confused by the concept.  

“Bu–but you just said,” Oikawa whimpered. “You said you were leaving.” 

“Ok, obviously you don’t remember because of our argument yesterday but I already told you,” Kageyama began to explain calmly. “I promised I would drop Hinata off at the airport this morning. I’m only going to be gone under an hour.”

“I…” Oikawa blinked at him, trying to remember. Last night felt like so long ago, like it really had been a year. “I didn’t remember.” 

“It’s fine just,” Kageyama pulled him close into a tight hug. “I’m not leaving you.” 

“But I said such horrible things,” Oikawa sobbed. “I’m so awful to you. I’m mean and cruel and I gave you a panic attack– oh god,” he broke off with a heavy sob again. 

“Toru,” Kageyama sighed deeply. “We both know this wasn’t our first horrible fight. And it probably won’t be our last. I...I really love you. And yes you did hurt me, and yes I did go to bed wondering if you’d still want me in the morning, and yes I had a horrible dream where you kicked me out and told me I was unloveable.” Oikawa lifted his tear stained face to look up at Kageyama who looked to be on the edge of tears himself.

“But then I woke up,” Kageyama smiled softly. “And I saw your face, and I saw that we were still curled towards each other even though we were sleeping, and that made me think that maybe it was just all a horrible argument. Because despite feeling hurt and still upset, I didn’t suddenly not love you anymore. And by your reaction, I’m guessing neither did you.” 

“No I…” Oikawa shook his head. “I still love you. I’m just more aware of how awful I am. And how much you probably shouldn’t love me.”

“Don’t say that,” Kageyama whispered. “Don’t tell me I shouldn’t when that’s all I want to do.” 

“But how can you?” OIkawa begged. “I’ll never forgive myself for making you panic.” 

“Just because our argument triggered it, doesn’t mean one hadn’t already been building,” Kageyama shrugged. 

“Still,” Oikawa breathed. 

“I’m ok now,” Kageyama said softly. “I promise.” 

“Ok good,” Oikawa nodded. “I don’t… I don’t think I am though. Everything just felt so real. Like you really did hate me that much. Like I’d been living for so long without you.”

“Well logically, it doesn’t make sense,” Kageyama said frankly. “I mean how could I have cleared out  _ all of _ my clothes in one night? And while you were sleeping. You’re a fairly light sleeper, I’m surprised I didn’t wake you when I got out of bed this morning.” 

“That’s...that’s right,” Oikawa blinked. 

“And a year for me to meet someone else and get engaged?” Kageyama said incredulously. “Really? Toru, it took me months to figure out you were flirting with me, and I only found out because you kissed me. A year to get married? Does that really sound like me at all?” 

“No, I guess not,” Oikawa smiled softly. 

“And to a  _ girl _ ?” Kageyama said with a grimace. “I don’t think so.” 

“Yeah you’re way too gay for that,” Oikawa laughed. “That should have been my first clue.” 

“No you’re first clue should have been the note,” Kageyama said. “Me leave a note? When?”

“You’re right,” Oikawa chuckled. “It was just a horrible nightmare. And when I woke up and you weren’t next to me for a second I really thought it wasn’t a dream, that you really had left me.”

“Toru,” Kageyama began quietly and seriously. “I’m not leaving you. You have to do a lot worse to send me away. I’ve put up with so much of your bullshit already, why stop now?” 

“Good to know,” Oikawa joked dryly. He took a deep breath, and exhaled heavily. “I love you.” 

“I love you too,” Kageyama whispered tenderly back. 

“Can you promise me one thing?” Oikawa asked quietly.

“Sure,” Kageyama nodded. 

“Don’t let me wake up without you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see?? i end things happily


End file.
